Thursday, July 19, 2012

Searching for what it's all about

Ordinary days are dreamlike, filled with things that weren't planned and also with things that don't happen. I had an unexpected day and flipped open the Blue Cliff Record (which I'm translating) as if it were the I Ching thinking it might be fun to have a random koan for the occasion. Here's the koan by a teacher called Panshan:

In the universe, there is nothing.
Where will we search for the mind?



For me this saying refers to that effort in which we reach into the mind and a thought offers itself but it's clear that the thought is not what we're looking for, it's not the meaning of what's happening, and we keep reaching and there's nothing there. In some way nothing is going on, I'm not my thoughts and they aren't what's going on.

I had some unusual numbers in a test and my Kaiser doc with solemn demeanor sent me to be scanned for cancer on the bone. I could tell the docs thought it was a likely outcome, and while I didn't believe they were right, my mind did play the scenarios all by itself, without instruction from me: If I had say a couple of years to live, how would it change things? Would I actually do anything differently?

Nuclear medicine is in a beige underworld beneath the hospital. The corridors look alike, few people appear and they are silent and busy going somewhere, acolytes. The tech injects radioactive liquid into a vein and you wait a few hours for it to circulate and reach your bones at which point they scan you. In the bed of the scanner they tied my feet together and wrapped my torso, locking my arms in.
It felt like a high tech vampire coffin. 

Nice for meditating. The tech kept telling me I needed to close my eyes as the lid that holds the camera came down. 

The tech had little hooks in her personality and as I lay there a supervisor came in to confront her about needing to be on time, not taking off without saying where she is going and so on. The supervisor was mild and not very pointed for a supervisor. She wasn't really concerned or she wouldn't have done this on the fly. She kept trying to coach the tech to say the right thing so that she, the supervisor, could be beyond this, could have fulfilled her duty and go. The tech kept arguing and offering improbable and hard to follow explanations that might have even been true. I lay in my moderne vampire coffin enjoying them both. 

That was one thing different about the day—I sat in my truck in a parking lot—a non-place I would normally pass through, and it had become an actual place to be, like any other place, complete and satisfying, a temple. Finches flittered through, each person who drove by had a face with tender things written on it, a brush with love and hate, a hope, fatigue, a stance about how to live. Fog was clearing and sunlight splashed on little leaves. I had an impulse to call friends while I waited, but it was enough to feel close to them, without actually calling, it was good just to be here in a parking lot, and it seemed to require an effort to be somewhere else as well. The day just flowed along, without much thought, without much of a mind to hold it all.

In the morning I got an email from Kaiser message center. I had breakfast before I opened it. There was a little avocado at the top of the message, encouraging healthy eating and the news was that the scan was clear. I hadn't noticed that I was feeling heavy until I felt much lighter. The urologist said he was glad of the non evidence. I was too. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Zen of Laryngitis

In Autumn, there is often a melancholy, not necessarily personal, just a deepening attention as the vine leaves crinkle yellowly and Persephone goes down into the silence of the underworld. Things settle. One of my grandmothers was the wild child of an old family and lived in a cold water shack and traveled about to pick fruit. At the same time she wrote a feature for the Hobart Mercury on the beauty of autumn leaves along the Derwent River. She came to rest in Autumn.

I taught a silent retreat in Seattle last weekend, here: nalandawest.org. The silence of retreat goes towards vastness and self sufficiency—relief from the press of the other's gaze, being up before dawn, the perfection of each thing that rises into the mind—the leaves crimson and gold like antiquated military uniforms, Mt Rainier in the window with its crown of snows and its own vast considered air of being actually a volcano not at all tame thank you, the rain sliding down windows, the faces in the street, the feet of the meditators. We lived down a level, inside the world.

And as I came out of retreat I developed laryngitis. It is a different kind of silence. It’s like being a very innocent child engaging the world in new ways. I call the border collie; no sound comes out and on she hurtles. I am outside the world like Marcel Marceau in the mime school exercise when he is separated from us by a glass box. I start to talk with the guys working on the house and when nothing comes out of my mouth, I point, I knock on things, I draw in the air. At other times I look into people’s eyes and hang my head, I look up to the sky and raise my hands. I draw a tear line from one eye. I shrug and walk away. It’s freeing, there are so many questions on behalf of which I don’t find it necessary to wave my hands. It is a different way of living down a level. I feel well disposed, amiable, absurd, honest, more inclined to make jokes than decisions. It's a helpless feeling but perhaps for that reason, it’s fun. It’s hard to do on the phone though.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Albert Saijo and the long journey

Kevin Diminyatz an artist and long time friend of PZI told me today that Albert Saijo just died in Volcano on the Big Island. Kevin is doing his funeral.

Albert Saijo.gif


Albert was a friend of Jack Kerouac and of Phil Whalen and other beat poets. He was in the internment camp during World War II at Heart Mountain in Wyoming where Nyogen Senzaki had the only zendo in the US at that time. He didn't care much about possessions and claimed to have enjoyed the freedom from adult control that prison camp life conferred. Later like other Nisei, he fought in Italy.

Albert's mother was a haiku poet one of a number west coast poets in the camp though her poems from those hard years were lost. Albert's brother, Gompers, was an artist, some of whose calligraphy paper I still have. Albert wrote in caps but in different colored ink which made his manuscripts intimate, dark, sweet and giddy all at once. It's more or less what you might think if you pay close attention and hang in there happily or otherwise with the sinking ship.

One of Albert's poems:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

13 No—The Zenosaurus Course in Koans

Two Pieces on the Great Koan, 'No'

I. The Great Koan No, Your Dog, and the Meaning of Life

A koan brings about a change of heart—its value is to transform the mind.
The problem we are trying to solve with a koan is this:
The mind we work with every day evolved to flee saber tooth tigers, hunt mammoths, not kill each other too often, share food, gossip, make babies and develop theories of the universe. To manage all this, the mind makes hypotheses, wondering, “Is that a stick on the path or is it a snake?” or  “Is that boy or girl hot?” or “Do I have egg on my face?“ or “What will the cancer biopsy numbers be when they come in?”

So we wander along, having thoughts, believing them, acting on them, dealing with the results we get. We scheme and plot, fear and want, trying to wrestle our states of mind into a comfortable shape. People think, “I want not to be crazy when I see my mother,” or “I don’t want to feel jealous, or afraid,” and its hard work and painful to be always two inches to the left of where we want to be. Adjusting our states of mind is a gymnastic work out that never ends. Our minds are still in beta and we live at some distance from our actual lives.

Koans take account of the confusion and cross purposes that are a feature of the mind. They lead us to rest in our uncertainty, including what’s happening now and what we want to flee.

Koans offer the possibility that you could free the mind in one jump, without passing through stages or any pretense at logical steps. In the territory that koans open up, we live down a level, before explanations occur, beneath the ground that fear is based on, before the wanting and the scrambling around for advantage, before there is a handle on the problem, before we were alienated from the world.

A koan doesn’t hide or even manage fear or despair or rage or anything that appears in your mind. Instead, with a koan you might stop finding fault with what your mind presents, stop assuming you already know what your thoughts and feelings are about and how they need to be handled. At some stage my thoughts stopped being compelling and I found a joy in what was advancing towards me. Everyone thinks you need a patch of earth to stand on or you will fall down. Your patch of earth might be someone’s approval or a certain amount of money. When the koan opens, you don’t need somewhere to stand, or a handle on your experience.

The kindness of a koan consists mainly in taking away what you are sure of about yourself. This isn’t a sinister trick, and though I found it disorienting it was more relieving than painful. Taking away is the first gift of a koan.

Among the couple of thousand koans in the curriculum, the koan Mu (as it’s known in Japanese), or Wu (Chinese), or No (English) has been used for about 1200 years. It is popular as a first koan, the koan that stands for all koans, the exemplar and representative, confusing, irritating, mysterious, beautiful, and freeing, a gateway into the isness of life, where things are exactly what they are and have not yet become problems. It begins by looking at the question of whether we are alienated or whether we participate fully in life. It comes from a long dialogue with an ancient, twinkly, Chinese grandmaster called Zhaozhou. Here is the full version of the koan about No and the dog—from The Book of Serenity, as translated by Joan Sutherland and me:

A monk asked Zhaozhou, “Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?”
“Yes,” replied Zhaozhou,
“Then why did it jump into that bag of fur?”
“It knew what it was doing and that’s why it dogged.”
Another time a monk asked Zhaozhou, “Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?”
“No.”
“All beings have buddha nature. Why doesn’t a dog have it?”
“Because it’s beginning to awaken in the world of ignorance.”


(Note The last line of the koan is literally, “It has activity—or karma—consciousness.” This is an Indian system of describing layers of the mind. “Activity consciousness” has the sense that through the agency of ignorance an unenlightened mind begins to be disturbed or awakened.)

Teachers usually offer the student the one word “No” or “Mu.” There is a long history to this tactic and it was how I first encountered the koan, reading about it in books. It offered a completely different way of approaching the world, something that, given the confused state of my mind at that time, seemed worth trying. I took the koan up by myself without a teacher and made all the beginner’s errors, treating the koan more or less as a gadget. I tried to discover the use of it, the way a hunter-gatherer would deal with a toaster found by the trail—pulling on the cord, banging it on the ground, using it as a mirror. “This gadget doesn’t seem to be working,” I said to myself, scheming and plotting. The other error I made was to treat myself as a gadget that had to be tuned to receive the koan—more scheming and plotting.

I like the koan being about a dog. It addresses the question of whether we can actually change, whether we defeat ourselves, and the way we often rule ourselves out. I live with a border collie puppy and in the morning she is complete in the world, and amazingly kinetic. Her heart beats quickly, and she hurtles toward me on her big paddy paws—she is now grown enough that occasionally when she leaps and I’m sitting on the floor she descends from above, a surprise, flailing and excited. There is no flaw in her universe. The koan is about me, about my buddha nature in any state I happen to be in. If I think life is hard, that thought is the dog with buddha nature, and peace is exactly inside that thought when it jumps on me. Then the apparent difficulty of life suddenly isn’t a difficulty.

The second thing this koan is good for is as a navigation aid in territory without maps. Once the gates in the mind start to open, the koan is pretty much all you have for navigation. The koan helps you to walk through the dim and bright paths that you have never walked before. You don’t have to return to knowing things and assessing your value and skill, and working off the nice map you bought along the way. When you feel as if you are in a dark passage or not getting anywhere, all that is necessary is not to believe those thoughts about being lost in twisty passages. The koan is a nice substitute for wrestling around with your fears.

And if you do resort to your maps, you will find that they are temporary, you don’t quite believe in them, and the world itself is more interesting than your explanations of it.

Everyone is new to this koan since everyone is new to this moment. You can drop everything you think you know about this koan and everything you are eager to tell others that you have already learned. Then the koan can find the space to meet you.
Lots of people from lots of cultures have been changed by this koan and I find that an encouraging thought. While it is exhilarating to step off the cliff of everything that has already convinced you, it can also be frightening. It can be consoling to know that lots of other people, like ourselves having no special aptitudes, have found that this koan saved their lives.

With all the difficulties and absurdities of the koan path my own reaction has been gratitude to the ancient teachers who invented this way of changing my mind. They found a way to talk down through the centuries, a language that helps unshape what I see so that I can see that it is the first day of the world. That is an unforgettable gift.

Koans are a great treasure of civilization and their beauty is just beginning to be understood in the west. After an initial promising start in the West koans came to be considered esoteric and by a couple of decades ago were being neglected as a method. One of the decisions I made at that time was to teach only koans and nothing but koans and to develop new ways of teaching them, ways that might fit Western culture. Along those lines many possibilities are opening for us. The koan No is the quarter horse of Zen practice—resilient, durable and adaptable. It’s been used so often, in so many countries and eras, that there are many different and contradictory ways to encounter it. It is a mysterious guide, a hidden friend, a vial of ancient light, a rodent that undermines the foundations.

When you read about koans, a practice will leap out at you, and an impulse will rise out of your own heart to meet it, and. If you follow that practice with all your heart, or even with sort of most of your heart, and listen to how it’s going and adapt what you do, and follow some more, this koan will change your life. You will come to your own, unique understanding of freedom. You might get enlightened. That’s what all the writing is for—to give you a practice that works.






II. No, nay, never, nyet, iie

Koans are purpose-built to transform consciousness. The usual pitch for using a koan is that it will open a gate into joy and freedom. As far as I know a koan isn’t useful for any other purpose. Koans imply a universe that is in motion; they help us to sympathize and harmonize with the way of things and to find the knack of letting ourselves be carried by it. In other words koans imply that some crucial features of our consciousness can change.

You can think of koans as vials full of the light that the ancestors walked through, and if you can get these vials open you share that light. By getting them open I mean you get at the light any way you can—you find the key and open the vials with a click, break them, drop them from a height, sing to them, step inside them, shake them so that some of the light spills out. Then that light is available to you, which might be handy if you’re ever in a dark and twisty passage. (The material that follows is from a talk at a Pacific Zen Institute Retreat --> in 2005 in Camp Meeker, Northern California)


The Koan

Student, “Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?"
Teacher, “No.”

The koan “No” has been used a great deal as a lantern. You sometimes have special discoveries associated with your first koan, so some people find it reassuring that many, many people have used this koan for over a thousand years.

I think that the key point, and the sweetness in the koan, is that we can change. If it really is possible, in this life, to have a shift in the way you come at things, well that’s an amazing idea to consider. If you understand that a shift really is possible, then the rest comes down merely to questions of method. And that’s the kindness of the path: the old master says, “Well sometimes it seems crazy to think it, but transformation really does happen. So try it out. Go at it. And here’s a method for you.”

I did actually work for some years with this koan. Since I began without teachers and just had to grab whatever was handy, it wasn’t the first koan I worked with. And it wasn’t the first koan I understood or with which I had an amusing time with a teacher. Yet when this koan opened up for me it was dazzling.

I tried to carry it with me every second of the day and even while asleep, and to merge with it, and I was slow at that. There wasn’t a lot of becoming-one-with-things floating around in my universe. There was a lot of, “Where’s the koan?” It seemed I had to learn to be patient with everything I didn’t know. But my clumsy meditation turned out to be good enough. So you don’t need a perfect technique, you just need a good enough one, a good enough path. Perfection is the enemy of results.

There is a tradition behind this inquiry into the nature of the dog. The question about whether human consciousness can be reconciled with the natural world is usually urgent, and making peace with the natural world, feeling ourselves to be part of that living matrix is one way to understand the purpose of koan work.

In the first place, what I take from the question about the dog, though, is that sometimes, when you begin a quest, you are just groping in the dark. The questioner, along with you and me, doesn’t even know what to ask, or what to explore, or how to get a grip on what’s primarily important, and that such cluelessness is traditional and even necessary. So there’s no such thing as a bad question. If you don’t have a clue, you might be starting in a good place. Not asking, when you’re puzzled, is probably not smart. And I’ve found that it’s good not to be snobbish about other people’s questions because my questions are just as silly as everyone else’s. Other people’s naivety might seem apparent to me but that’s nothing to do with me. My own innocence and naivety is opaque to me, and my questions move into that unknown territory. So asking a dopey question might be helpful.

And it’s good to know that any question contains the whole of our inquiry into the nature of mind and the universe. Any question you ask will be good enough as a place to begin. You begin where you can. In the Zen tradition you have to inquire for the sake of the exploration itself. A spiritual quest is always an inquiry and there’s a temptation to go into any discovery process with various agendas—alleviating our suffering, impressing others, or improving our opinion of ourselves. But such motives don’t work as a guide. Koan inquiry carries a true risk; you have to just want to find out what’s really happening. You have to really ask your question, to do the exploration into reality for its own sake.

Zhaozhou’s koan takes away what you think. He doesn’t value your opinions and you might find that you don’t either, which is good because they are a weight to carry around. There are two versions of this koan and the question, “Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?” occurs in both. In one case the response is “Yes” and in the other “No.” “No” is more famous because it goes against what the sutras say, and if you are inclined to believe sutras, that makes it more interesting. But if you were to work with “Yes” it would be just as effective. “Does a dog have Buddha nature?”  “Yes!”  “Does a dog have Buddha nature?”  “No!” You can tell that Zhaozhou doesn’t care about your views because he is not interested in his own.

Michael Katz related to me a conversation with Gregory Bateson, the thinker and anthropologist. Michael was driving him to a conference at Lindisfarne on Long Island and Bateson said he dreaded something about conferences.
“What is that?” asked Michael.
“Well, people don’t have a sense of humor.” 
“What do you mean? What does that mean to you?”
Bateson thought about it and said, “A sense of humor depends on knowing that what you think doesn’t really matter, or even that you don’t really matter.”
So life is not about how much you matter, and if you don’t start thinking that you matter, perhaps you matter more.

If you can go into the inquiry without prejudice, without prejudging the outcome, you’ll be likely to find that every difficulty you have is about your prejudices. The fundamental prejudice is some form of, “This shouldn’t be happening.” This rejection of circumstances can be anything from, “He shouldn’t have left me,” to, “Nobody loves me,” to, “I’m doomed. Even meditation doesn’t work for me.” And what rises might be a trivial thought or it might be a tremendous and traumatic thought—”Why did she have to die?”—but the solution is the same. You can bear it. Or rather you don’t need to bear it; that’s the koan’s job. Bearing things is usually to do with finding an explanation or a meaning, and life is truly beyond that. So there’s no need to bear things, and there’s no need to have a handle on them.

Eventually we just start to accept. Not only do we not dislike our circumstances, we do not dislike our own states of mind, which is the key thing. We begin to think, “Fortunately I don’t get it yet.” And if we forgive life for not being what we told it to be, or expected, or wished, or longed for it to be, we forgive ourselves for not being what we might have been also. And then we can be what we are, which is boundless.

We start off into the spiritual work hoping to change, hoping to become different, and we notice that there is a trick of the mind going on, and that actually we don’t want to let go of who we think we are. Buddha found that he was prepared to starve himself and do all sorts of strange, ascetic practices, as long as he didn’t fundamentally change. So there’s an ambivalence in the human quest which means that we have to muster more than reason on our side if it’s all going to work. That is why the koan doesn’t make sense. If it made sense our reasonableness and ambivalence would be able to block it. The koan embraces the whole of your experience, not just the noble bits.

My own experience was that sometimes I worked with this koan very hard, in a way that took me further away from it. The effort assumed, “What I have is not what I want. When I understand, when I awaken, that will be what I want.” And so anything that came into my life was automatically rejected, and any little piece of awakening that came along got rejected too, because it was in my life and therefore couldn’t be what I was seeking.

I knew that some weird game was going on in the mind, a game that seemed close to the core of the problem of the nature of the mind. Then I noticed that the impatience and critique was diminishing and there was a tiny bit of kindness for my own condition, a blessing on the moment. I had a lot of physical pain, so I would get distracted. I would sit up all night and the predominant thought would be, “I hope I can last till the end of this period.”  And I had to accept that about myself. It’s unique for everyone—what we have to embrace is the very thing we don’t want to embrace. Our incompetence, our distractibility, our greed, our fear—that makes us fall apart at little things—our detachment that makes us indifferent to big things. 

At a certain stage I stopped whipping the dog. Whipping the dog doesn’t make it not a dog. First it’s good to accept that it’s a dog. And in my case I noticed that no matter how perfectly I did everything according to Wumen’s famous recipe about becoming one with the koan “No”, I wasn’t one with the koan. I was hanging onto its tail, or being driven by it, or trying too hard. Sometimes I would fall into a deep meditation state and disappear and then I couldn’t find the koan because there was no one there to find the koan. By that stage it was becoming interesting.

I just started being there, keeping company with the koan in all weathers, and things changed then for me. I stopped trying for those recommended states of being. It became clear that even with the mind I had, I was free. I’d done everything in the prescribed way and still my mind was often chaotic and busy. The freedom was that I found this immensely funny instead of a problem to be solved. The thoughts were things like, “I have the wrong mind for meditation, Australians can not get enlightened.” What was hilarious was watching the way the mind produced nonsense and then believed itself. Then everything started unfolding, awkward and inevitable, like a crane preparing to take off, and my mind did clear. And the koan became clear too, and the laughter became involuntary and lasted silently for months and months, but it wasn’t something I did. I didn’t manipulate reality. I just paid attention to reality instead of trying to change it, or having reservations about it. And I think that’s where the kindness of the koan is.

Zhaozhou’s koan is gesturing toward embracing your current state—that’s why the dog is important because, in many cultures Rover is not greatly appreciated. Rover may even be served for breakfast, and so to be a dog is not a high state of existence. And when we’re unacceptable to ourselves, we regard ourselves as despised creatures. And that’s how it is until we stop building the prison and the inner conflict ends. I think that this No koan, is very deeply about the ways we reject experience as not being correct or appropriate. And if you are making a fundamental judgment that this moment isn’t right, and if you go into the heart of that refusal, it becomes a gate. Go towards the frightening thing, and you find that it holds a blessing. Then, “No” then becomes “No” to your critique, “No” to your “I can’t do this.” It’s a recognition that thoughts are just thoughts and the koan rises to explode them. “I’ll never get there, I’m in the wrong company, I’m unhappy,” all just thoughts. This is a way in which the koan starts to serve the inquiry at a cognitive level. This has a certain deconstructive power.

At the deepest level the koan takes away not only your judgments and your criticisms, but the point of reference that they depend on, the point of reference that makes a problem a problem. And it’s never anybody else who’s causing the problem, and also, not only is it not anybody else, it’s not even you. Even you are not a problem. It becomes clear that the problem of existence is an apparent problem, that existence is existence, full of richness, shimmer and intimacy. Everything is beautiful when seen in that dimension.

I’ll take a question. 

Woman in audience: I don’t have a question.

John Tarrant: You have a comment?

Woman in audience: Yes.

John Tarrant: Go ahead.

Woman in audience:  Lately I’ve been not quite knowing what to do, so in the morning I just throw myself at my life. I throw myself at these tasks that I think I should do but while I’m doing them I think I should be doing something else. I have a lot of anxiety, and today I walked by a dog. I usually just walk by him because he’s terrifying. He’s lunging against his chain and barking his head off.  So today I stopped and I looked at him and I stepped forward and he just went, “Oh, you’re coming over!” so I went over to him to pet him, and he was like so excited, and he’s a big dog and I’d go to pet him and he’d go, “Rhhaaahh!” He wanted me to pet him and I felt so bad that he kept clawing me so that I couldn’t even get to his head, really, to pat him. Then he’d get frustrated and he’d go “Rrrhhhaaahhh!”  and he’d bark at me and I’d go, “Well…” and I’d try it again, and he’d bark at me, and I couldn’t do it. And then I realized he was getting really frustrated. I backed off and I looked at him and he looked at me.  And I just walked away and I looked back at him and waved, and he was alright and he just turned around. Ya know. Big disappointment. Okay, where was I going with this?  It felt—that dog was me. That dog was me throwing myself at my life, wanting to do the right thing, but doing it so hard it was never right. So neither of us had Buddha nature.

John Tarrant: The ending you arrived at is part of it too. The blessing is there, even when it’s not the outcome you intended—you know if you’re sad about something and you just accept it, you don’t have to not be sad, as evidence that you’re accepting it. You can accept that you’re sad and then it can be lovely. If your meditation sucks, you accept that you have miserable meditation. It’s all right, and so the kindness comes in somewhere on the chain of harshness, and everything moves. There’s nothing wrong with being a dog and barking and being frustrated. And what’s wrong with throwing yourself at your life? So it’s like that.

At the same time, the experience we have when all that just stops, is a wonderful thing. When you open up and—how can I say it—things are friendly.  Part of freedom is about not thinking, “It’s not here.” When you stop thinking, “It’s not here,” you start noticing all the ways it’s here. And the more you notice how much it’s here, the more what the old teachers speak about as accumulated karma—the stacked up disappointments of your life—starts falling from you. If you only ever do things for strategic reasons, in order to manipulate people, that might fall off you. In this case you might want the dog to change or receive your kindness, yet the dog’s world is already complete. If you’re stingy, that might fall off you. If you try to buy other people’s favors and love, that might fall off you. So in other words, you’re not treating your self like an object, so you will start noticing those times when you’re not creating the walls of a prison. Life is not as hard, and more and more space surrounds that discovery. 

Okay thank you very much. And what’s the answer? Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?”

Audience:  Woof!

John Tarrant: Thank you. How hard was that? 


What follows are some thoughts about method. These are suggestions about ways to line up to the koan and to manage your mind once you are on board the koan.

Hacks for consciousness

First a new metaphor: A koan is a kind of technology, a hack for the mind. It strips our opinions and views away. Unlike some other technologies, koans don’t work in a linear fashion. They surprise you by transcending the terms on which you took them up. They draw you into a different way of seeing and experiencing your world.

Teachers
When the fit is good with a teacher it is one of the most intimate relationships possible, and humans like intimacy. But the fit is not always good and people being people, your relationship with your teacher might turn out to be important or trivial. Also, your teacher could be someone you met for one retreat, or the master who initiated the koan a thousand years ago or someone who visits you in a dream. In the end the koan is your absolute, fallback, rock bottom teacher.

Because it is a technology not a set of answers, a koan allows certain insights to be passed on through someone who doesn’t have a deep understanding of them—an obvious advantage if you are interested in handing the light down over thousands of years or ferrying it across cultures.

Choosing a first koan
It can’t possibly matter which koan you use first. I’ve noticed that people succeed with a wide variety of them—for example, “Quickly, without thinking good or evil, before your parents were born, at this exact moment, what is your original face?” Or, “In the sea, 10,000 feet down there’s a single stone. I’ll pick it up without getting my hands wet.” There are probably a thousand of these that work well. Zhaozhou’s dog is famous though no one knows why—perhaps its simplicity and the fact that many of the Japanese schools had a rigid order to their curriculum and this one came first. Hakuin used this as a first koan so it went more or less at the beginning of his curriculum, though as a teacher he was inclined to experiment. In spite of its popularity, it’s a fine koan.

A rigid curriculum has the virtue of introducing a predictability and impartiality to the process. On the other hand, there are advantages for a master who is confident or foolish enough to move around in a curriculum according the needs of the student. So some Japanese schools (as well as Korean and Chinese ones) don’t use a rigid sequence to their curriculum. Pacific Zen School, which includes Open Source and Pacific Zen Institute, feels itself to be in sympathy with those traditions, so we use many different first koans.

If you dream of a koan, if it sticks in your mind like an ear worm, if you find yourself humming it, if it gives you vertigo or nausea, if you feel as if you have come home from a long journey when you hear it—if a koan grabs your attention, if it follows you home, then that’s a good reason to keep it. It chose you. You might as well trust being grabbed, a force bigger than your usual awareness is at work.

The method of working with a koan
The method is simply to keep company with the koan, adhere to it day and night. That’s it, the whole method. And don’t think that it’s not there when you sleep or forget about it for a while.

Strategies for working with the koan—Tips & tricks

1: First find the koan
If your mind is somewhere, find the koan. If your mind isn’t anywhere, there’s not a problem.

2: Any part of the koan is the koan
In this case, No, dog, Buddha nature, does? could stick in your mind—or the koan might consolidate to a sense of being on a quest, of traveling through the mind. Quirks occur; one person had an interesting experience when a cat exchanged itself for the dog in his mind. There is an autonomy to any real process in consciousness and working with a koan is something you do your best to guide without entirely controlling. It’s a creative act and you attend to what appears more than you impose your will on the universe.

3: Accept your mind and its states
If you are being reasonably accepting of your mind states that’s probably a good direction. Mind states are, after all, what we have as humans, they are what we have to embrace and forgive and love, as they are.

4: Relax
Trying to achieve a certain state implies reaching for something not present, living in a projected future world. So, no need to try. I know that some of the old teachers said to try hard, but what did they know? You have to truly appear in your own life. Then there is no question of effort or trying, there is just the koan.

5: Mind your own business
Making a critique of your colleagues and peers and their progress is, well, useless and somehow ungrateful. In fact even an assessment of your own progress is probably useless and somehow ungrateful. Don’t mind even your own business. Just keep company with the koan.

6: Timing
It takes us years to build a prison in the mind. It’s OK if it takes some years to deconstruct that prison. Freedom is worth it. Being on a quest is what life is about.

Membership in a community
One thing we are doing is making a culture for awakening, making awakening a feature of the landscape of modern intellectual life. The meditator isn’t a ronin, a masterless samurai, wandering around alone, looking for personal survival at any cost. Koans make you a participant in the drama of discovery, a member of a community of those who care about consciousness. The deeper the journey goes the more you are likely to notice your love for this community.

The koan and your life
The link between the koan and the transformation of your life is real but since the process isn’t linear you might not notice it at first. The link might seem to be in a black box—invisible. There will be times when the koan shows you your most painful mind states and your most confining thoughts. It doesn’t invite you to identify with them. Nonetheless, you might think that the koan doesn’t seem to be working during your official meditation times, but your life might be opening up greatly. Well, that’s not really a problem.

Gradual and Sudden
The process is always both gradual and sudden because there is some development and then a jump. An example of the gradual side of things is that for some people the koan opens a space in which the mind is not building its prison. In that space, you will notice joy and aliveness and a sense of having a link to eternity. This is in the neighborhood of awakening. Then the space will close up, perhaps leaving a sense of loss. You can just notice these things without grabbing them. Over time you will get more and more space till the spaces start joining up.

Sometimes your longing and impatience and harshness appears in front of you. It doesn’t seem to work to force your way through. You just have to know that the obstacle is somehow you and keep going as best you can and when you acknowledge this and don’t chew your leg off, the trap will disappear.

On the sudden side of things, some people have epiphanies. They plod along for a period and then there is a bang and a large shift happens all at once. This can happen completely outside of a training context also. Whichever way you come to it, freedom is freedom.

The basic nature of consciousness is empathy
If it’s heartless that’s not the koan, either as a method or as a result of the method. When consciousness is stripped down there is a velvety, vibrant quality to it—everything is alive and sparkling and also I am you. It’s unlikely that you can get to this by a harsh method. As far as we can say that a dream has a basic nature, the basic nature of consciousness is something like empathy and a boundary-less love.



Questions just for you:

1. What is Buddha nature? Do you have it?

2. What thoughts and feeling arise for you when you say no in meditation?

3. Say No in all the ways you have ever heard it said. Now say it as though
it’s so large that it fills the universe. What’s that like?

4. When in your life have you said No to something that you had always said

yes to before (even something very small)? How does it feel to say no?

How is it when someone says no to you?

5. Where do you feel No in your body?
6. When you notice your thoughts and say No to them what is that like?
7. Have you had an experience of everything falling away and life seeming to be vast and eternal? What was that like?

Monday, February 28, 2011

17 That Wild Girl Named Pang—The Zenosaurus Course In Koans


Falling Bodies

Falling on the ground seems to be essential—babies trying to walk, dogs chasing tennis balls, hobos who sleep on paper under bushes, the daring young girl on the flying trapeze, people who get caught in scandals, people who get a frightening diagnosis, people having doomed love affairs, people getting divorced, actors who freeze on stage, mothers with post partum depressions, people who one day wake up crazy, people from Sonora sneaking across the night desert into Arizona with plastic water bottles painted black, people in Ethiopia selling fresh baked bread made out of dirt, people who sold everything at the bottom of the stock market crash, people being flamed on the internet, people whose pension funds were stolen, people who give interviews while out of their mind on coke, people who lost their homes to the banks, people who lie on a warm rock in a canyon, people who lose their faith in life, people who pretend that they would never fall, people who get born—falling on the ground happens to all these. Falling is outside of the bounds of acceptable behavior and reality, yet you can’t have a life without it.

The Koan:


Helping Her Dad
Mr. Pang was selling baskets. Coming down off a bridge with his arms full, he stumbled and fell. When his grownup daughter saw this, she ran up and threw herself down on the ground beside him.
“What are you doing?” cried Mr. Pang.
“I saw you fall to the ground, so I’m helping,“ she replied.
“It’s a good thing no one was looking,“ remarked Mr. Pang.
This story shows life as an opportunity for improvisation—a chance to accept all offers. For improv, you need a certain amount of selflessness and a sense of humor, you have to step out of the way things always happen, of who you think you are, of taking yourself seriously, of managing other peoples’ impressions of you and especially of managing your own impression of you. You can’t be clever or playing for a laugh, you just join the situation. You accept the offer right here now. The territory of this koan is what helps others and what doesn’t help, what helps you yourself, and what is possible in relationship.

“It’s a good thing no one was looking,“ remarked Mr. Pang. He is not just teasing and having fun, but playing along, noting how they have moved together from an accident to a theater piece of wonder. He could have said “Thanks for not drawing attention.”

A variant of this discovery is that falling on the ground, while terrible, is also wonderful—the taste of dirt, blood, coffee, oranges, tears, sweat, the taste of life itself.
A friend had a truly frightening diagnosis and in the tsunami of advice and medical possibilities and mind altering medications and surgery and trial drugs, his wife said,
“Things are entirely alive. I have never felt so warm and embraced and so held.”
“The community is helping?” I asked, rather conventionally.
“Well that too, people gather around and bring casseroles, but that’s not what I meant; it’s like being held by enormous arms.”

I have a natural feeling for the Pang girl and her spontaneity, and at the same time, Mr. Pang’s situation is compelling. I imagine falling down and having someone throw themselves down beside me; that is a truly unusual situation, that would be shocking in a fine way. Here are a few stories about people turning into rather than away from a fall.

Smart Nurses and Improv

A woman told me this story in relation to the Pang family chronicles.
I just had a breast exam and there was some sort of question and they took me for more imaging. I’m growing afraid, following the nurse down the corridor in a hospital gown and writing my will in my mind. As we walk the nurse turns back and looks at the gown and laughs and says, “Flashing is optional.” Then I stopped being afraid.
The nurse had an empathy that brought the patient out of a world in which she was saying goodbye to her kids, into the more amusing situation of walking down the hall and being about to fall out of an incredibly poorly designed garment. The distance between heaven and hell is tiny and the nurse joining her makes one into the other.

Doing Not Saying—The Emergency Room Check In

A friend got out of bed, fell over, got up, fell again and called me. That was an offer to me, which I accepted. I drove her to the ER. It lacked the underworld interest of a busy city ER, where if you are not hemorrhaging from the mouth or suffering from a gunshot wound you might wait through the night till the change of shift at dawn—another way of falling. While neither as grey nor as dingy as expected, the waiting area was simultaneously boring and interminable.

I waited while my friend went through her exam. The nurse doing check in and triage made two nice moves—turning towards a situation.
1. A woman flung herself in a waiting room chair. She lay rigid on the chair like a log, touching the edge of the seat and the top of the back. She flopped from side to side. She moaned, she apologized for moaning and moaned louder. She yelled a little. Calmly, impersonally, selflessly, not in the least referring to the pain, the nurse walked up and tied a hospital intake bracelet on the woman’s left wrist. “There you go,” she said, indicating that the woman was now official, having an identity and a place in the lineup of this antechamber of the underworld. This soothed the woman immediately.
2. A woman was in her late thirties—blond, statuesque, agitated; her skin had a kind of glaze and tightness, like an attractive sausage. Her fear expressed itself as anger. Her left leg jiggled and her heel tapped, she looked ready for a fight, looked as if in a fight, she might be happy, relieved of her anxiety. She addressed the check in nurse from some yards away.
“I need a private room.”
“The consulting rooms are private and we’ll take you next. You’ll be the only one there.”
“I’ve got to have a private room now. You don’t understand, I need a private room.”
“That space over there is private,” the nurse pointed to what was indeed an open, dead space a couple of yards behind the woman.
“I didn’t say I needed a private room I need a private space,” said the patient undertaking a small face saving operation, but winding down, moving over into the space, not obviously different from any other square of the floor.
Practical Parenting

I have my own story that makes me wonder about the way koans can get inside you. Without noticing it my body stepped into this koan.
My daughter who was an early teenager at the time was in battle with one of the demons who beset her world. One afternoon she came running into the kitchen and flung herself down at full length upon the lotus flowers painted on the wooden floor. She groaned and sobbed. Before I could think, I threw myself on the floor beside her.
Our eyes met. We began to laugh. We got up and cooked dinner.
The koan wasn’t consciously in my mind and it is almost disappointing that the story is so literally imitated, but perhaps the incident shows how koan moves can become part of a kind of grammar of response to situations. Not setting yourself against a situation can lead to laughter, even where grim sorrow seems likely to win the day.

How to Improve People


I think of another example of this grammar. For some years I hung out with Dick Auerswald, who pursued the transformation of consciousness as a psychiatrist and was one of the founders of family systems thinking. When a family was in trouble Dick liked to do home visits. I remember walking into a house with him, where one of the kids was in what seemed to them to be deep trouble. There were cousins and cousin’s girlfriends, the whole family was gathered. Everybody was  sitting on the edge of their chair trying to look like someone who wouldn’t do it again, whatever it was. As we walked in, Dick stumbled and fell. Everybody rushed to help him up and afterwards they weren’t sitting on the edges of their chairs and they began to talk to each other. Perhaps they felt that they had stumbled and that he was saying, “It’s alright I stumble. Then I get up.” Without thinking about it, he acted out the feeling in the room and that opened a door. 


The Koan's Shadow

This koan has a shadow too, which is to bring up the way we can imprison ourselves in a situation, feeling only the pain, embarrassment and effort that unfold with the story. The shadow of this koan might be something like this: “I’m always down on the ground helping people and it never helps them.”  Or “When I fall I’m pathetic and it's embarrassing.” The daughter could have spent her time picking up baskets and telling her father not to be such a duffer. It's good to notice what reading your mind goes to, and how much you believe that reading. Perhaps we are most alone when we set ourselves apart from the falling, as though we know a better way it should have happened.

Sometimes you don't need to know why something isn't a problem. Here is a story that goes in that direction.
I was on a very narrow two way street heading home from preschool with my kid and the baby in the car seat when a college kid in a big SUV turned the corner looking over his shoulder talking and coming toward me. I leaned on the horn, he saw me in horror, slammed on the brakes and just missed us. I started laughing and he started laughing too and all was well. Afterwards I had thoughts about why it was funny and about how I had been at that age, but at the time it was just pure laughter.
The thought that something shouldn’t have happened is never true. When we are falling there is no alternative, there is only falling. Falling and laughter. 

Questions To Save All Falling Bodies

1.  How have you fallen down in your life, physically or otherwise? How was it for you? Did you have opinions about yourself?
2.  Has anyone ever tried to help you? What worked? What didn’t? When you try to help someone else, what seems to work? Not work? Does play have any part in that?
3.  Do you think it’s important to “pick yourself up” when you’re down? Is that hard or easy?
4.  Remember a time when something brought you down, not a physical fall, but something difficult. What movement in your body would describe that time for you? Did your body change when you got over it?
5.  What does the instruction to “accept all offers” mean to you? How would that be? What would it change?
6.  Are there mistakes?

Pang Lingzhao was the name of the Pang girl and she is known as a Zen master in her own right.

Keith Johnstone's books on Improvisation in theatre and story telling are examples of books that have a lot to say about Zen without mentioning Zen. The phrase 'accept all offers' comes from him.

Addendum: Case Law on Falling:
 
Ian Frazier considers Wile E. Coyote’s plight

Coyote V. Acme
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

You can read Coyote's full plea here:  
http://www.torinfo.com/justforlaughs/coyote_v_acme.html

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

16 A Treasure Hidden In The Body—The Zenosaurus Course In Koans


There is One Treasure Hidden in the Body
The Body's Path to Awakening

                 This very body is the Buddha

                                                             Hakuin


We are inside the body and the body is inside us. In Zen we have a tradition of embodying or acting koans out because if the body is not engaged it’s hard to really meet life. Once in China, there were dance forms as dialogues and as responses to koans. Those forms are believed to be lost, but I can imagine that through meditation and attention to movement and the body we might find them again.

The ancient koan masters looked for the gates of wisdom first in poetry because language is a fundamental feature of being human. We are inside language the way we are inside the air and waters of the blue planet, but I’ve been thinking that the body is it too, and wanting to treat awareness of the body as an integrative art.

In the Autumn I had back pain from lifting a wood stove, and some of the body workers at the Autumn retreat changed what I was noticing by moving me around. The pain made it so that I couldn’t extend my right arm. But an interesting moment happened when I found that by closing my eyes I could extend my arm easily. The pain, or its connection to the movement, was somehow a mapping problem. It reminded me of the phantom limb phenomenon in which the brain thinks there is pain in a limb that has been amputated.

The neuroscientist Vilayanur Ramachandran at UC San Diego performed experiments in which he used mirrors so that when the patient looked at her amputated right leg she saw her intact left leg in its place. He then asked the patient to relax the amputated leg that she could now see and the phantom limb pain diminished or disappeared.

So the body has its imagination and its stories and, like other stories, sometimes they seem true but they might not be. The process was an exploration exactly like koan work involving the body. And just as in a koan interview it was as if we were inside the same field, sharing perceptions and movements. The few other people in the room could feel in their own bodies what was happening to me.

I remembered earlier experiences of working with my body in a koan like fashion. I have an odd heart rhythm acquired long ago, probably in the islands east of New Guinea where a fever came on when I was in a canoe. About 12 years ago the non rhythm amplified into a kind of storm. I was falling down on occasion and my cardiac doc, whom I liked partly for his gloomy streak, said,

“Atrial fibrillation. You could end up crawling across the kitchen floor to get your granola.”
“What happens then?”
“Congestive heart failure.”

“Oh no,” I thought, “what will my kid do when I die?”


I was suddenly living inside an Edward Gorey rhyme, featuring caskets and orphans and men with long faces in formal Victorian clothes. So I began to explore the scenario and my beliefs about it. First of all I realized that my daughter would be fine if I died. She would live a good life whatever I did, listening to her own inward voice. It was also clear that no date had ever been set for my dying and among important things, unknowns far outnumbered the knowns. And, how to describe this?—I let a koan into the problem and the problem was not directly addressed by the koan but diminished anyway. I noticed that sometimes my heart banged in a way it was hard to enjoy but that if I didn’t worry about it, it settled down and the main effect was that I was tired sometimes in the afternoon.

I feel fine now. But sometimes I don’t and then the treasure has to be there in that pain or disorientation and restlessness in the mind, and if I can’t settle my body, the treasure is there in the not finding and the longing for healing. And that’s enough. My relationship with my body is my relationship with what I am, with how I came to this place. To disapprove of my body seems beside the point.

So there are stories about the body and, like other stories, they seem to generate themselves, like rabbits, or bacteria. I like koans because they refer to a landscape where there are less stories, or where the stories are surprising and unexpected, and we have a better relationship with what we are. Criticizing yourself is one of the great distractions and finding fault with your body is clearly in this class of delusion, expected but untrue. So much for New Year’s resolutions.

The body listens to others and is in an intimate communion with them, regardless of my opinions about them. This intimacy is a way I go beyond myself and is closely connected to the images that arise in my mind. Awareness naturally includes my body unless I make an effort to exclude it. To read my body is to be in a conversation in which I have to listen ever more closely, and not tell myself stories or explain what I’m hearing. When my body can speak for itself then my words become more true, too.

The body’s imagination has its own grammar and its images can lie in ambush for years. A friend told me she heard some 70’s music on the radio “from when I was in high school and suddenly I was in that city, the whole miserable locked in quality of waiting to escape, the dinginess of getting through that time with my angry stepfather and trying to have a normal life and knowing these were bad years, it all descended on me like a grey veil.”

PTSD and pleasant memories both waylay us via the body. Ambush is linked to enlightenment; surprise is the way an epiphany happens, that so intense flavor is the flavor of my life and there is no need to make a choice about it or criticize it, even if it is in the realm we think of as pathology. The pain of memory has some similarity to the sound of the geese clanking overhead, and while it's happening, it is the only sound in the world.

The Koan This Week:

Yunmen said, “In the center of the cosmos, inside heaven and earth, there is one treasure, hidden in the body. It picks up a lantern and goes into the meditation hall. It brings the great three arched entrance gate and puts it on top of the lantern.”


Putting the great entrance gate on the lantern—the impossible might come to be. Anything you think is built of the stubbornness of matter, of the intractability of what you know, of the bricks of nouns, might also be a verb, might be a koan constantly changing its shape, a person changing into  tree, a cold heart melting. My heart problem might be a koan, dying might be a koan, I can’t tell why someone lives or dies and I don’t need to, even if that someone is me.

When I spend time inside it, this koan brings the usual paradoxical effects that lead to a bigger idea of what it is to be alive. We had two warm days, plum blossoms and narcissus leapt out like water from fountains, then the cold west wind returned, loud in the trees, bringing a restlessness and the thought of things changing, seasons, times and nations changing. That one treasure, it might be the sound of that wind, or the sight of a tree branch lying in the field. Then it becomes clear that the wind is in the body and the branch and the field and the lights of the river of cars at night are in the body. 

Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian man


There is a very old idea that the human body is itself a map of the cosmos, the fragment that contains the whole. In the Flower Garland Sutra, the universe is a jeweled net in which each jewel contains the whole, and something like this is implied in Leonardo’s image of Vitruvian man who is literally the measure of all things, the source of proportions for buildings and ultimately the world. Each moment of awareness, each twitch, each ache, each sigh, each tear, each enchantment by perfume or blossom is a world. 



Here are some body questions:

1. How do you use your body? Are you your body? Does it tell you what to do?


2. When your body is hurting or in trouble, how do you help it heal? Can your body help you to wake up? Are healing and waking up related in any way?


Charles Atlas bodybuilding ad
3. We have stories about our bodies, that they are not beautiful enough or too old or too sick or too fat or too poorly dressed… What stories rule your body? Do you like it, find fault with it, hope that others admire it, think it needs a coffee or more vitamin B? 


4. Do you approve of some things your body wants and disapprove of others? Be specific.


5. Do you feel your body? Do you enjoy it? Do you find it exciting or alarming?


6. Do you remember your body in childhood? Was it different? What body memories do you have from earlier times? Show an activity or a movement that your used to do but don’t anymore. Are you stronger in some ways? Weaker in others?


7. If you could have a different body for a day, describe what body you would have.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

15 Scorn —The Zenosaurus Course in Koans



Scorn and Being Despised

Scorn is a great and inevitable experience. It’s a visa stamp allowing entry to the human realm; if you haven’t suffered from it you have missed something necessary. You see it in dogs who drive a spare dog out of the pack, and chickens who peck at the funny looking chicken, and it touches an atavistic fear that during the long winters of the ice ages we will not have warmth or our share of mammoth meat, and this because, because our hair isn't right, our teeth aren’t straight, we said the wrong thing, we transgressed, or there is something fundamentally wrong with us. Scorn is a strong force in our culture at the moment. It produces fear which in turn produces more scorn, Fox News producing more Fox News. So if we want to find out what Zen is useful for, and what it might free us from, scorn would be a good test case to examine.
The Koan
If you are scorned by others and are about to drop into hell because of evil karma from your previous life, then because you are scorned by others, the evil karma of your previous life will be extinguished.
The koan takes the approach that scorn is a something in the world, like a hailstorm or the sound of a drum. It doesn’t have to be taken personally. And what if it’s OK anyway—if someone thinks I’m terrible, then sure I am, thank you.


The Uses of Being Scorned, Despised, Cast Out and Looked Down upon from a Great Height
Once I taught retreats for men. One of the faculty had been a village boy in a small, poor West African country who had undergone done the traditional shamanic training of his people. He had been educated and, by his account tormented, by Jesuits, and had acquired advanced degrees from great universities. Having achieved escape velocity from the Jesuits, he had undergone the initiation his village gave to young men, rather later in life than was customary. Even though he was already native, he had gone native, and he seemed still to have a lot of the French intellectual about him. Then, rather early in life, he received the initiation given to elders. This advanced initiation was interesting to me and I questioned him about it. It took three days and only men were around. He sat naked and covered with ash in the center of the village, his eyes were closed and sealed with mud. It was as if he were dead. Then people said things to him which stripped him in other ways. Grudges poured out of them, old things they had held against him since childhood, and a terrible bitterness and envy. Under the rules, he could not respond. Their loathing and dislike pierced him and he had no defense. “By the end of that time,” he said, “I felt thinned out and chemical like a piece of fax paper.”
When it was over they cleaned him up, congratulated him and held a celebration. One of the men who had been pointed and harsh came up, to him and asked, “Would you be able to lend me the money to buy a truck?”
“What were you just saying to me?” he thought.
This is in the territory of the koan of scorn, scorn has become an official part of the ordeal that ushers you into leadership.
It starts with a bang but you don’t need to be prepared. 
For no obvious reason a woman who sat Zen began to lose her sense of the ground. She lived far away from her group but would come in for most retreats and so was known and liked. She often sent out emails to the list group but gradually the emails became stranger, indicating pain and perhaps disorder of thinking. A man who had worked with her at retreats was concerned about this and tossed out her name at a service at the moment when people who are sick or need something are remembered.
Then she sent an email to the list which was full of odd thoughts and suddenly swerved into an attack on him, a personal and harsh insult for everyone to read: Scorn, being despised.
 “First,” he said, “I felt shock, dismay, but surprisingly, not a millisecond of anger or resentment came forth. The colors got bright and the room became full and peaceful. As I sat in front of my computer everything at that moment felt right for me. I remembered a little prayer,  ‘When I think of the virtue of abusive words, this is the Buddha appearing before me...’ I thought kindly of her.
The beauty of all of this is that I didn't have to do anything.  Everything came to me.”  
Really it’s dancing. 
You might have had an interaction in the street in which a person who seems crazy comes up and gets in your face. Last night while I was writing this piece on scorn, a friend opened a google chat. Here is a record of it.

10:18 PM Michael: knock, knock
 had a very, very weird thing happen while walking home from dinner

me: Hi Michael,
 wot happened?

10:19 PM Michael: this crazy black guy, semi toothless, possibly drunk, more likely on something more stimulative, was yelling and slightly lunging at passersby... as I got closer, I heard what he was yelling, and as we met on the sidewalk, he yelled "YOU'RE A NIGGER! YOU'RE A NIGGER!"

10:20 PM and I said "Thank you."

and he smiled and reached out and touched me on the shoulder


10:21 PM me: well you passed that koan

10:22 PM Michael: pretty much

 me: Did he give you another one?

 Michael: nope

10:23 PM me: You pass one you pass them all.

Sometimes there is no need to resist the scorn.

Yes I am French: Sometimes an Apparatus Will Set You Free
An American friend felt lucky to find a spot as she parked her French rental car in a small hill town in Tuscany but an Italian driver took deep offense. He approached and started yelling at her in broken French. Though her French was fairly good, he didn’t really speak French enough to convey his meaning or to understand her. Her Italian was much better than his French but he couldn’t hear her in Italian because he was convinced that she was French. Eventually he stalked off angry.
As she joined her husband and kids she was arguing with the other driver in her head, asking the right questions, soothing, explaining, defending. She formulated in Italian how to explain to him that she was speaking in Italian. She wanted him to understand that she could speak to him in his language and that he didn’t have to play out the ancient grudges of the Italians and the French. She was having an identity issue, he mistook her for someone she wasn’t and she wanted him to have her understanding of who she was—his story seemed so alien to her view of herself. She realized she had to stop the argument in order to join her day, and it came to her that she had the choice whether to be right or to be happy. And she realized that it had to be okay to be whatever horrible criminal she might be. And suddenly it was, alright, and she was free. She tried on all the horrible things she could possibly be—mother raper, father stabber, murderer, thief. “So what if I’m somebody who has been so incredibly inconsiderate, I didn’t understand, I didn’t know, I parked my car too close to his….” And she thought, “Well what if I am?” And that way it her inner conflict disappeared.
Language and scorn go together; trash talk and insult are venerable arts.
In this case her freedom wasn’t immediate and she had to notice what was going on and try to deal with by using unwieldy tools but they worked anyway.

The Thusness of Scorn.
All these stories are examples of moments in which more awakening comes from being scorned and despised than if scorn and despight had not happened. That which is is always more endearing than that which is not.

Questions since they are sometimes more interesting than answers

1. What's the first time you remember someone making fun of you, scorning you, reviling you? What's the most recent time?
2. What do you do when you think someone disapproves of you? What happens in your mind?
3. Have you ever hurt anyone's feelings on purpose?
4. What does scorn look like in the animal world? among plants? singles celled creatures? atoms?
5. What's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to you? What's the nicest thing?
6. How do you work at a practice level with being despised or scorned?